My dear Wormwood,
It is with great delight I receive your news that The Patient has recently come into possession of “a smartphone”. Never before in human history have humans created for themselves a more formidable instrument of their own destruction. Social media (a wonderful name our Propaganda Department had a hand in disseminating, for there is nothing “social” about it) is never more than an arm’s reach away. Gossip, pornography, inane factoids, news from the other side of the world - the possibilities for distraction are almost limitless. Indeed, if you are not careful Wormwood, you may find yourself out of a job! Let me give you some advice on how to best utilise this most accommodating of tools to secure the Patient’s eternal damnation.
To begin with, you should ensure that a feeling of attachment to the smartphone is continually fostered. The patient must reach the point that leaving the house without his smartphone is worse than leaving without wearing any clothes. Remind him to check his pockets at regular intervals throughout the day so that over time, the lack of a reassuring bump in his pocket is enough to send him into a panic. Once he has developed such an attachment, it will become far easier to prompt him into compulsive use of it, and such usage will feel increasingly natural to him. It will begin at first to feel like an extension of his hand, and then even better, an extension of his mind, and then at the end, an extension of his very being. It is at this point that he and the smartphone have - though unconsciously to him - melded together to such an extent that no other task or mode of existence will feel normal when they are separated. Finding love, conducting business, being entertained, communicating with relations, organising his life, even reciting prayers - none of these activities will feel normal or even possible without the use of his smartphone. He and it will have entered a mode of co-dependence that we can then begin using for our own advantage.
Following this, the Patient should be convinced that if anything is worth doing, it is worth doing on a smartphone. If he ever decides to use a prayer book (if indeed, he ever finds the time to even contemplate such a thing when there are Tweets to be read), remind him that there are plenty of apps which would do the job better. Need a recipe book? There's an app for that. Tuning a guitar by ear? Don't be absurd, search the App Store! Books, prayer cards, tuning forks, sticky notes, literary magazines, paper tickets, paper money, cameras, calendars, calculators – all these and more should be treated as antiquated. In their place: the smartphone. While performing any of these activities on the smartphone, there is always the chance a notification might pop up to distract him. Nothing distracts from prayer quite like a Tweet from his favourite church commentator on the state of the Church. Insert the smartphone into every facet of his life, and your job will be twice as easy. Regularly remind the Patient that there is important information to be consumed or tasks to be done, at times which would otherwise be opportunities for interactions with family members, friends, or even The Enemy Himself. Rather than discussing his work day with his wife, remind him that there is an important email to read. Rather than engaging in a conversation about yesterday’s news with his work colleagues over lunch, remind him that there is an event happening right now on the other side of the world which he really ought to be up to date on.
Rather than chatting to his neighbour about that tree which needs pruning, remind him that there is a feud between two big internet personalities which he isn’t yet across, and which he really ought to read more about if he is to remain relevant. In doing these things, the Patient is limited in his opportunities to form connections with other humans and becomes increasingly isolated in his own little world, while being totally convinced in his own mind that he is more connected with Humanity than ever before. His sense of connection with Humanity at large - while having no meaningful connections to any specific humans - will allow him to blindly continue down the path of atomisation, until at the very end he is ripe for the picking.
His friends no doubt have also come, or soon will, into possession of smartphones. Here lies an opportunity for collective severing of social ties, but under the guise of greater connection. Suggest to him the idea of bringing all his closest friends or family members into group chats, as a way of ensuring they stay in touch more regularly. A noble idea, and one easily taken up. Once he has group chats for various social or familial circles, encourage him to share more of his life with them. Send photos of key life events, updates on his personal or work situations, his holidays, his hobbies, and so on. Ensure that no detail is left unshared.
Why would we want this? Surely this is a path to greater bonds with his relations? On the contrary! He will have shared so much with these people virtually, that he will have far less of an inclination to ever see them physically. What is there to talk about, after all? And on the rare chance he does see them in person, no news will be fresh, and no exciting anecdote unheard. The pleasure of catching up and sharing the stories of life will have been joyfully snuffed out by the eager oversharing via his smartphone. He and all his relations will think they are closer together than ever before, and yet they couldn’t be further apart.
Now, you may be wondering why I haven't suggested as the primary focus, those aforementioned distractions which are in endless supply - pornography, gambling, gossip news, and so on. Simply put, the human condition is such that attraction to these things comes so naturally, that there is very little work for us to do. They appeal to the basest appetites of the human person and he will readily fall into them without prompting. He may very well damn himself on these alone. But if he does in a moment of lucidity develop a repulsion for them, foster this. Focus his mind on how good a person he is for not giving into his lusts or his curiosity and how “smartphones are for real work” and how “this is a tool, not a toy”. Encourage him to view his smartphone as a very serious part of his life that shouldn’t be debased by such activities. It is for reading about the latest government scandal, following partisan politics, and trading on the stock market. It is an escape hatch to stimulate his mind when surrounded by boring people he has no desire to engage with. In short, it is for doing anything and everything which atomises him and distracts him from practising acts of faith, hope, or charity.
Why, I hear you ask, is isolation and atomisation the most important aim? In short, humans have the uncanny ability to sharpen and keep each other in check, which aside from interventions by the Enemy, are our primary obstacles in damning them one by one. And so they must be kept as disconnected as possible. However, humans can go through incredible transformations (and the Enemy is never more ready to assist than at these moments) when they are at their lowest points both emotionally and spiritually. How then are we to simultaneously keep them isolated enough to lack any true friends or relations which may come to their aid, while also preventing them from sinking into despair? The smartphone. As I’ve already described, there are a plethora of ways to foster a connection with Humanity at large and give the appearance of greater connection with friends and family, all the while neutering anything potentially efficacious in those relationships for fostering virtue. In place of a serious conversation about the state of the world - a meme. In the place of fraternal correction - a self help video. Nothing outside the comfort zone on one side, and no great urge to action on the other. This is the perfectly lukewarm middle ground. A comfortable, broad, smooth road that leads to glorious destruction.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
Sent from my iPhone.
My last Lutheran pastor, a man I still revere for his generosity of character, gave me the Screwtape Letters when I was in seventh grade. I was impressed by their literary artfulness but non-plussed by their theological intent. It was a decade later before I "encountered" CS Lewis again in any form.
This is a solid imitation of the originals.